I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
