Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
