I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
