I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
