The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?