gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
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I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.