Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
