I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
