This is not my ceiling
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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