we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
