We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.