Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
