Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
