i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
