Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
