I swear she didn't look like that last week.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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