I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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