Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
