is your mom at the bar?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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