I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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