I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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