If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
