Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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