thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He has the fingertips of a God
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