I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
