You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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