You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
