hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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