Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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