When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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