i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
