My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize