I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
