Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
