john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
