There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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