I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
