THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
