dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
