Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
