My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
