i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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