i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
farters have to be the big spoon...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
