textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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