so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
