Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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