He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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