oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
