I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize