I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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