You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
