Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
