oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
