You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
