Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
