just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
