Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
