i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's always time for handjobs
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
