Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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