I want to have your abortion
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
