She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
