All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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