i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
