Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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